The Horrific Blog of Doom Per-dicts the End . . . Finally!

Legends speak of the Horrific Blog of Doom. Few have ever lived to tell the gruesome tale. Dare you read on, foolish mortal? Before you decide, know that the Horrific Blog of Doom has turned countless innocents into smoking piles of vitreous ash (that's the glittery stuff puked out by volcanoes, in case you're wondering).

What kind of holiday greeting is this you may ask? I was afraid of that. It so happens that in the course of advertising this silly blog I may have casually referred to it as the Horrific Blog of Doom. I thought it sounded cool in an absurd way. And now I've committed myself to delivering on these rash promises of gloom and doom.

In fact, I went out and looked for gloominess. I really did. Our local theater advertised the movie 2012 on its website only this morning. Probably you're aware of this film. I believe it's mentioned in the prophecies of Nostradamus as one of the disasters that signify the end times -- either of the earth or John Cusack's career.

When I arrived at the theater this afternoon, the marquis sported the letters A-L-V-I-N above a lobby packed with eager movie-goers who averaged three feet tall. A gratingly pleasant usher informed me that the website hadn't caught up with the rush to deliver holiday cheer and that it was all laughter and glee from here on out.

Bah, humbug. I wasn't going to NOT let my holiday be ruined. I recalled that my neighbor across the road has a magazine that warns we'll all be living in the Yukon in ten years to escape global warming. Well, not all of us. Only the fastest runners, I guess. That sounded hopeful to me, but I couldn't bring myself to run across the road and borrow it.

Then the thought struck me. Why bother, with the internet at my fingertips? It's the lazy person's answer to everything. And now that I think about it, this is all rather appropriate during the holiday season. Why list New Year's resolutions when there might not be a New Year? I'm saving you people a LOT of work. This blog rocks.

Instead of inspiration for the days ahead, here's some of what I learned about our imminent destruction:

1. Experts in this field aren't the most careful and correct spellers. You can't be -- right? -- if the headline of your article contains the word "perdictions." But, to be fair, if you thought the world was ending soon you'd be writing pretty fast, too. That's the mother of all deadlines.
2. You can buy everything you need to survive the end of the world online. Wait a minute. If that was true, then wouldn't everyone survive? Anyway, as far as I can tell I'm already well-stocked for any potential disaster with plenty of my own t-shirts, caps, and mugs. See you in Canada!
3. The experts tell us that the countdown to the end of the world began with 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, flooding in Iowa and fires in California. How quintessentially American. We'll end the world on our own and we honestly don't care if anyone else joins in or not. Go find your own Apocalypse, Sarkozy.
4. The end of the world is connected to tons of stuff that you wouldn't have expected, like the Survivor TV show, Bill Gates, and prison gangs. I'm not making this up. You kind of get the feeling I'm the only one, though.
5. Almost forgot to mention that the end is somehow tied to the idea that President Obama, with the help of international banks, intends to make us all slaves on his global plantation. See, that's what happens when you don't have to worry about getting re-elected ever, ever again. Hmmm. Is it possible that light-skinned people fear this because that's what they've been trying to do to dark-skinned people like Obama for hundreds of years?
6. The end-of-the-world business is pretty good work when you can get it. It's one of the few jobs that pays you to be wrong over and over and over again. All you have to do is update the logos on all those t-shirts, caps, and mugs.

Funny how we're willing to listen to anyone who says the world's coming to an end. As if the ancient Mayans knew more about 2012 than we do. Wow. What if I told you that the Mayans had predicted that you would turn into Megatron, travel backwards in time, and give them something else to think about? Would you believe it? What if I per-dicted that you would send me all your money? You might as well. If you send it to somebody who's headed for Canada, it'll only slow them down.