Seasons Greetings! I bet you didn't know that Santa lets me screen his mail. In cleaning off my desk I found a few letters that failed this year's naughty/nice cut. So here they are:
Letter #1.
Dear Santa,
I know it's been a while. I was kind of mad about last year. You can imagine my disappointment after hiking 90 minutes to Thackery Point, only to discover that another Christmas had passed and you'd let me down again. I specifically asked for a summer cottage. Not a summer sausage.
The bear cubs fighting over the lunch meat were cute. The mother was less cute. She seemed to prefer my leg to the lunch meat. Anyway, I won't be doing any more hiking, so I guess you can skip the cottage this year. How about a prosthesis?
Sherman
You can see why Santa's pissed at this guy. He doesn't know anything about sharing.
Letter #2
Dear Comrade Santa,
We have Rudolph. Honorable Vice Chairman Guo has informed me that Chinese commandos, in the name of the most Glorious People's Republic, siezed the target at 0:200 hours this morning. You have violated our airspace for the last time! Capitalism is doomed. Festive holiday.
Hu Jintao
P.S. Could you please send along any Chinese-speaking elves and the owner's manual for the sleigh?
I don't think I need to explain why Santa is not amused by this.
Letter #3
Dear Mr. Claus,
Thank you for the letter addressing your overdrawn line of credit as well as the other outstanding issues with our institution. We're well aware of the current economic situation and we hope you'll appreciate the fact that elves and reindeer are not the only ones who've been affected by it.
Visions of sugar plums notwithstanding, we want to impress on you the dire situation in which your ongoing failure to meet these obligations has placed us, and the absolute necessity of proceeding with foreclosure on the workshop and attached properties at the North Pole.
We're especially disheartened by your continuing refusal to deal with certain troubling aspects of your operation, including the recurring disappearance, every December 25, of massive amounts of your inventory, without any good explanation.
Yours most sincerely etc. etc.,
Fairytale Savings & Loan
Ouch. Poor Santa. This explains my empty stocking.
I hope.
I've always thought coal was a little expensive myself...
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Eric!
LOL! I loved the letter from Hu Jintao! :D
ReplyDeleteErm, is Santa planning on paying a ransom? I heard that, if he doesn't, the kidnappers are threatening to cut Rudolph's nose. :O
I wonder if we could offer up Al Gore and the East Anglia University as ransom?
ReplyDeleteWorks for me anyway!
Dear Mr Stranger-World,
ReplyDeleteI would like to complain about the content of your latest blogger-post letter. Your Continuing delusion About the existence of fictional Creatures goes against the Nature of the Universe and is Offensive to All think-writing people of the World, Mr World-Stranger. Why! do you insist on spreading This LiES"! about things you do NOT understand?! Everyone noes That the People's Chinese Republic is a Myth!
yours faithfully
James Cornelius (Twisted)
PS Please do not include my detales on your interent datebase.
PPS I would prefer you not to contact me further by television.
PPPS Please excuse the fact that my post is not written in green as I have run out of green ink in my pen and it does not seem to transfer well from the computer screen.
Oh, gosh, you guys! Your comments are so funny, I had a great time reading them. Thanks for looking at this. James, yours is a small masterpiece and it really ought to be published either in letters to the editor or a journal of abnormal psychology. Rofl!
ReplyDelete