Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hell 2 Pay

Last month a suburban paper printed a news item about a suicidal youngster whose sister called the cops on him. They came in the back door and chased him down the street before tackling him. Whereupon he punched an officer in the face. And I thought I would let him tell you about the incident in his own words.

Apologies in advance . . .

U can't HIT policemen, I mean, u don't wanna go runnin from them but u can't be hittin em, either, even after they break down the back door of the house were u are stayin with ur sis & u are so SCARED u can't help runnin so fast u didn't even no ur legs were movin til u miraculously hit the turf on the neighbor's side of the hedge, ok it's miraculous b/c my pants were like 1/2 off at the time w/o shoes so I'm still not sure how I did that



ur runnin right past this 1 girl u used 2 like (do u remember Astrea???) of course it would HAVE 2b her and now ur like S--T! NO! I'm toast! & then u realllly are toast when some1 grabs u & ur rollin through the neighbor's kiddie pool & his screamin kids (my neighbor is Jerge btw he's a total IDJIT but that is another story) and there's water like evrywhere & it's cold n slippery & the Jerge's dog has ur LEG in his mouth WTH I mean bite me

& ur layin there flat on ur back under this monster blotting out the whole entire sky like a building & it's only after u hit him that u think U DID IT AHOLE like ur fist jus f-ing took off w/o thinking & slammed into this head that happen 2b sticking out of a uniform & YES u did u hit a cop & there WILL B HELL 2 PAY as usual but the bad news may NOT be just what ur thinkin howevr maybe that's cuz of my spelling? neway that is all 4 now. More l8r.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Interpretation of Dreams

This is a serious post, so let's not have any monkey business. Uh, yeah. Sorry, Siggy old buddy. I have to admit, I did sort of steal the title from what may have been Sigmund Freud's greatest work, The Interpretation of Dreams. But, hey, he wrote a bunch of stuff. He can spare one title, right? *cough* Thanks, Siggy.

Dreams are interesting things. A hundred years after Siggy published his book, we're still studying them. And there's lots of confusion and disagreement about what dreams mean. Just ask me. I'll contradict everything you say and then I'll try to confuse you. See, what did I tell you?

Lots of studies have been done on dreaming, including one in 1978 on the effects of brain damage on dreaming. The idea was to chart the dreams of a bunch of monkeys after driving nails into their heads. Only, so many monkeys died they gave up. (sorry if you were eating)

If you follow that link to wiki you'll find another link at the bottom of their page to something called The Dream and Nightmare Laboratory in Montreal. Don't tell me you wouldn't have clicked on that. But you can see it got me nowhere. I guess if you want decent health care you really DO have to go to Canada. Unless you're a monkey, that is . . .

While I was facing this impasse, my daughter saved me and my car quite a few miles by suggesting that I google this laboratory instead. We discovered that it was struck by lightning twenty years ago in a freak thunderstorm, killing everyone inside -- and their bodies were never found.

Blah, blah, blah. Okay, I made that up. Maybe I've seen too many TV shows? The true story is quite a bit funnier. What I found was a former employee of the laboratory who's offering books, workshops, and internet classes promising "online dream mastery."

Can't you see THAT on my resume? Or at least it would be something to impress people at parties. When there was a lull in the conversation I could simply ask, "did I tell you that I'm an online dream master?" (fill in sounds of crickets chirping)

What is an online dream master, anyway? How is that different from an offline dream master? It's worth asking. Smart people like Siggy might think so. After all, we're still wondering what our dreams mean and how to interpret them.

Witness the popularity of someone like Charles McPhee, author, former radio talk show host and founder and president of Ask the Dream Doctor. I'd like to be founder and president of something, too! Hmmmm. Maybe I'll call it "I Am Wonderful."

Do you think I'm dreaming? What do you think about dreams? Have you had any interesting dreams lately?