A Modern-Day Iceman. Or, What the Hell does a Guy Have to Do to Get a Plumber in This Town?

Remember the mummified stone-age dude who turned up in the Alps in 1991? He'd gone out hiking in high altitudes and when he died up there his body was preserved for 5000 years. The best part of the whole thing was that the Italian police finally were able to cancel the missing persons report they'd issued back when they were still working out the letters of the Roman alphabet. Anyway, I think I can settle the scientific debate over what caused that guy's death.

I was cleaning out my x-files today and I found a newspaper article from several years ago that I'd saved primarily because it confirmed much of my suspicions about what's really going on in this stranger world of ours. And I decided that I had to share it with you. I have to say, it's stuff like this that makes the newspapers worth reading for me. This is an actual article and not my invention. However, the names were changed to protect the innocent.

Mummified Man Found in Front of TV
Hampton Bays, N.Y.

Called to investigate a report of burst pipes, police found the partially mummified body of a man dead for more than a year in a chair in front of his television, which was still on (I never thought about calling the police to fix my pipes. Given the difficulty of finding an actual plumber, I may try this). Vincenzo Ortega, 70, apparently died of natural causes, said Dr. Stuart Tinsley, deputy chief medical examiner. The home's dry air evidently preserved the body. Ortega lived alone, Tinsley said (that's a relief). "He hasn't been heard from in over a year," he said (also a relief). "Nobody sounded the alarm." Neighbors said they had thought Ortega was in a a hospital or nursing home. "We never thought to check on him," said neighbor Diane DeVries (of course she didn't. It's New York. He could have been sittting on the front porch the entire time and they still wouldn't have checked).

Please, God, not another commercial!


Thanks for visiting the stranger world archives today. In case you're interested, they're housed in the attic, where the air is dryer. My secretary says that helps to preserve the files. I wish it would help her work faster. I haven't heard from her in ages . . . Oh, you're still wondering what killed the Iceman? He was looking for a plumber, obviously.