What Are You Looking At? (Pickles Without Borders)

I haven't written anything in a couple weeks and suddenly it seems like I can't stop. This is partly my daughter's fault. She's home from college for the holidays. I walked into her bedroom the other day and discovered a pickle jar on her headboard.

Dad: Let's see. Some people have alarm clocks on their headboards. Books. Hairbrushes. Tissues. And you've got . . . a pickle jar?
Daughter: (still waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon) Nnnh.
Dad: Honey, why is there a pickle jar on your headboard?
Daughter: There was only one left and I didn't want anyone else to eat it.
Dad: Ah. (exit stage right)

The Spirits of Christmas Spirits

Does anyone object to hearing more about Christmas? Too bad. I mean, if you're in retail then the season actually starts in September, I guess. So why should it end before May? All right, for anyone who's still in the Christmas spirit, perhaps I can ruin it for you right now. I got this post from my subscriber, Martha, and I liked it so much I had to share it.

Make sure you read and follow the directions.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again; to be sure it's of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, why not? Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake to 360 degrees, and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

No, you're not done in the kitchen. You still have some cutting and pasting to do if you'd like to follow this link to some strange Christmas decorations:

http://mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/42711.

A Modern-Day Iceman. Or, What the Hell does a Guy Have to Do to Get a Plumber in This Town?

Remember the mummified stone-age dude who turned up in the Alps in 1991? He'd gone out hiking in high altitudes and when he died up there his body was preserved for 5000 years. The best part of the whole thing was that the Italian police finally were able to cancel the missing persons report they'd issued back when they were still working out the letters of the Roman alphabet. Anyway, I think I can settle the scientific debate over what caused that guy's death.

I was cleaning out my x-files today and I found a newspaper article from several years ago that I'd saved primarily because it confirmed much of my suspicions about what's really going on in this stranger world of ours. And I decided that I had to share it with you. I have to say, it's stuff like this that makes the newspapers worth reading for me. This is an actual article and not my invention. However, the names were changed to protect the innocent.

Mummified Man Found in Front of TV
Hampton Bays, N.Y.

Called to investigate a report of burst pipes, police found the partially mummified body of a man dead for more than a year in a chair in front of his television, which was still on (I never thought about calling the police to fix my pipes. Given the difficulty of finding an actual plumber, I may try this). Vincenzo Ortega, 70, apparently died of natural causes, said Dr. Stuart Tinsley, deputy chief medical examiner. The home's dry air evidently preserved the body. Ortega lived alone, Tinsley said (that's a relief). "He hasn't been heard from in over a year," he said (also a relief). "Nobody sounded the alarm." Neighbors said they had thought Ortega was in a a hospital or nursing home. "We never thought to check on him," said neighbor Diane DeVries (of course she didn't. It's New York. He could have been sittting on the front porch the entire time and they still wouldn't have checked).

Please, God, not another commercial!


Thanks for visiting the stranger world archives today. In case you're interested, they're housed in the attic, where the air is dryer. My secretary says that helps to preserve the files. I wish it would help her work faster. I haven't heard from her in ages . . . Oh, you're still wondering what killed the Iceman? He was looking for a plumber, obviously.